Kopimatcha Chapter 5 — BITTER

Table of Contents

There comes a point when keeping your feelings to yourself starts to feel exhausting.

Hana reached that point after pretending everything was fine for far too long.

That day, she finally opened up to Icha.

Not right away.

At first, they were just having a normal conversation. About college, work, and the little things that had happened over the past few days.

Until Icha realized something was different.

“Han.”

“Hmm?”

“What’s wrong?”

Hana shook her head.

“Nothing.”

Icha stared at her for a few seconds.

“You’re lying.”

Hana went quiet.

She fidgeted with something in her hand before letting out a sigh.

“Cha...”

“Yeah?”

“What do you think about liking someone who already has a girlfriend?”

Icha didn’t answer right away.

She just looked at Hana.

“Raga?”

Hana immediately looked at her.

“I didn’t even say his name.”

“You didn’t have to.”

Hana fell silent.

Eventually, she let out a small laugh, even though there was nothing funny about it.

“Is it that obvious?”

“Very.”

Hana lowered her gaze.

For a few moments, she said nothing.

Then everything came out.

About Raga.

About how, at first, she had only noticed him.

About the expo poster.

About all those little conversations they had.

About the attention Raga gave her that probably never meant anything more to him.

About the stories she kept seeing.

About Raga’s girlfriend.

About the discomfort she had been keeping to herself.

And about all the little things that only made her more confused.

Raga was nice to her.

Sometimes, when they were hanging out with friends, Raga would treat her to food.

Sometimes he offered to help.

Sometimes he noticed little things about her.

Nothing excessive.

Nothing particularly special.

But enough to make Hana wonder.

Is Raga like this with everyone?

Or just with her?

And the longer she thought about it, the harder that question became to answer.

Icha listened until Hana finished.

She didn’t judge her.

She didn’t tell her that her feelings were wrong either.

After a moment, Icha finally spoke.

“Han, I understand why you fell for him.”

Hana stayed quiet.

“But Raga already has a girlfriend.”

“Yeah.”

“And from everything you’ve told me, I’m not sure he feels the same way.”

Hana swallowed.

It was something she had already thought about herself.

But hearing it from someone else made it feel different.

More real.

“So what am I supposed to do?”

Icha sighed.

“Distance yourself.”

Hana looked at her.

“Seriously?”

“Not because Raga is a bad person.”

Icha paused.

“Actually, it’s because he’s a good person.”

Hana fell silent.

“If he were a jerk, maybe it would be easier for you to stop liking him. But he’s nice. He pays attention to you. Sometimes he buys you food. He helps you out. But none of that necessarily means he likes you.”

Hana lowered her head.

She knew.

That was the most frustrating part.

Raga had never directly given her hope.

But he had never made her feel invisible either.

Those little acts of kindness just happened naturally.

And Hana was the one who gave them a deeper meaning.

“I’m just scared I’m the one who’s hoping for too much,” Hana said quietly.

Icha nodded.

“Maybe you are.”

Hana gave a faint smile.

Bitter.

Not because Icha was wrong.

But because she might be right.

“If you keep staying close to him,” Icha continued, “it’s only going to get harder for you to let go.”

Hana didn’t answer.

She knew it was true.

As long as she kept seeing Raga, talking to him, accepting his little acts of kindness, and secretly hoping there might be something more...

her feelings weren’t going anywhere.

Finally, Hana nodded.

“Okay.”

Icha looked at her.

“You mean it?”

Hana took a deep breath.

“I’ll try.”

Maybe it was the most sensible decision she could make.

Not distancing herself out of anger.

Not because she hated Raga.

Just because Hana needed to protect herself.

From that day on, she started cutting back on a lot of things.

She stopped looking for excuses to talk to Raga.

She stopped paying so much attention to where he was.

If Raga talked to her, she still answered.

If he offered her something, she still thanked him.

But she started keeping her distance.

And the hardest part wasn’t actually staying away from Raga.

It was breaking the habit of looking for him.

Not checking his stories.

Not waiting for his messages.

Not wondering what he was doing.

Not looking to see whether Raga had come to campus.

Little by little, Hana tried to put everything back the way it was before she knew Raga.

Back to focusing on herself.

Back to her career.

Back to her own life.

But there was one problem.

Once someone becomes part of your routine, getting them out of it isn’t as easy as simply deciding to walk away.

Hana still noticed the empty chair where Raga usually sat.

She still heard his name whenever her friends talked about the organization.

She still remembered the little things they had done together.

Including that expo poster.

A character they had named together.

A few simple conversations.

A few times when he had treated her to food.

Little things that shouldn’t have meant much.

But somehow, because they were so small, they were even harder to forget.

Meanwhile, Raga had no idea what was really going on.

He only noticed that Hana had been a little different lately.

She talked to him less.

She was more often busy doing her own thing.

And sometimes, when Raga tried to talk to her, her answers felt shorter than usual.

But he didn’t think much of it.

Maybe Hana was busy.

Maybe she had too much work.

Or maybe she was just not in the mood.

Raga didn’t know.

And Hana never explained.

That was how they were.

One person was trying to let go.

While the other didn’t even know there was something to let go of.

And somewhere between them, Hana’s feelings grew quieter and quieter.

They were never truly given a chance to begin.

They were never spoken out loud.

But they were real enough to hurt.

Bitter.